I think there are quite a few factors that pressure me into not telling everyone everything.
The first would be risk. Whenever you tell someone about yourself, you open yourself up to ridicule, shame, and rejection. Therefore, I often don't want to risk my reputation by opening myself up to someone else. This goes right into trust. If I don't know the person, or don't trust the person, I won't tell much about myself. On the other hand, my close friends I trust a lot, and share a lot with. Should we trust people more, or less? Your friend, Monday, would seem to be a very trusting person, in that he shares with anyone.
I would second what you said in that opening up with everyone we meet destroys some of the sacredness of having close friends. There is a certain intimacy we have with very close friends that would be tawdry to try to replicate with everyone we meet.
Another reason I don't open up more than I do is that I am afraid of being rude to the other person, by dumping a whole lot of information (or emotion) on them. A distant acquaintance often doesn't want a long explanation of how I am doing, while a close friend really does want to hear that long monologue. So is part of this not being rude to those around us?
I would love to be more open about how I am feeling and who I am. I just don't know where/how to do that. Any help?
I think it is correct to share more with people we trust, as opposed to people we don't trust. And I don't think it's right to trust everyone. Honesty to the extent that it is informed and qualified by trust? [Such a policy would make high school a whole lot less dramatic. Just saying.]
"Another reason I don't open up more than I do is that I am afraid of being rude to the other person, by dumping a whole lot of information (or emotion) on them." This makes me wonder about social contracts. It's definitely inconsiderate to dump things on people, but, presuming that sharing is rude creates barriers between people. Some people would love to listen, but we never find out because propriety kept us distant. So yeah, there's gotta be some sort of social contract for that.
It also seems to me that there are different types of honesty and openness. Stuff that's never wrong to share. And stuff that should always be kept to oneself. A bright line must exist. I'm just, not sure what it is.
I also think about seeing Jeremy Camp in concert, and how he told this deeply personal story about when his wife died -- actually, this applies to a lot of speakers I've seen, who share tragedy and failures and pain with a massive audience of strangers. And yet, that's not inappropriate, in fact, it's highly edifying, an encouragement in Christ. Hm. Perhaps it's the content of what we're saying that matters, as opposed to who we're saying it to.
"I would love to be more open about how I am feeling and who I am. I just don't know where/how to do that." Blog. You're not /requiring/ anyone to listen to what you say, but you have an open forum to say what you'd like to say behind the safety of words and a computer screen. It's genius. [But seriously.]
Sorry, thinking outloud has made this a cryptic, rambling comment. I despair of questions like these that have elusive cut-and-dry answers!
I agree. We definitely don't need to let people know us completely. Also, as you said, it's impossible. I think openness is valuable not because you can be fully known by people, but because it furthers accountability with yourself, (in the sense of telling the truth to yourself) and builds connections with people.
That's interesting, that you feel comfortable telling people things by telling them things. Though perhaps it's the *doing* things with people that helps you trust them... whether that's doing things together, or the act of conversing with them... hmmm. I think it's the being with them that builds trust.
Another thought about why it's not a good idea to tell people everything right when you meet them: a lot of the "knowledge" I have of people is very intangible, like how they react to things, what they are uncertain about, ... all the connotations and memories and experiences that have built up my mental construct of the person. And so to attempt to tell a near-stranger "everything" about you would lead to not really telling them, because the verbal description wouldn't convey who you really are. I think that's also related to the point about sacredness. Things that are dear, experiences that went from life to heart to memory, would be spoiled by needing words and logical explanation.
Also, I would have you know that I think your outtake is wonderful. :D
About the last thing you said, Wednesday: YES! You are absolutely right! (See, I spent very little time thinking about this question. He who hesitates thinks of more interesting things to say ;)) Yes, the essence of a person is perhaps impossible to fully grasp, but grasping at it can only come with actually spending time with the person.
I sometimes wish that I could tell people everything, but I can't . . . and sometimes that's just frustrating.
A Year Of Questions is a project begun on March 22, 2010, by seven teens who want to be better at asking questions and articulating answers. This blog exists to make it easier to discuss these questions (because a 500 character limit on YouTube comments is rather limiting). Enjoy!
5 comments:
I think there are quite a few factors that pressure me into not telling everyone everything.
The first would be risk. Whenever you tell someone about yourself, you open yourself up to ridicule, shame, and rejection. Therefore, I often don't want to risk my reputation by opening myself up to someone else. This goes right into trust. If I don't know the person, or don't trust the person, I won't tell much about myself. On the other hand, my close friends I trust a lot, and share a lot with. Should we trust people more, or less? Your friend, Monday, would seem to be a very trusting person, in that he shares with anyone.
I would second what you said in that opening up with everyone we meet destroys some of the sacredness of having close friends. There is a certain intimacy we have with very close friends that would be tawdry to try to replicate with everyone we meet.
Another reason I don't open up more than I do is that I am afraid of being rude to the other person, by dumping a whole lot of information (or emotion) on them. A distant acquaintance often doesn't want a long explanation of how I am doing, while a close friend really does want to hear that long monologue. So is part of this not being rude to those around us?
I would love to be more open about how I am feeling and who I am. I just don't know where/how to do that. Any help?
Just a note, I wasn't talking about Monday (or anyone on this project).
"I would love to be more open about how I am feeling and who I am. I just don't know where/how to do that. " Yes, exactly.
I think it is correct to share more with people we trust, as opposed to people we don't trust. And I don't think it's right to trust everyone. Honesty to the extent that it is informed and qualified by trust? [Such a policy would make high school a whole lot less dramatic. Just saying.]
"Another reason I don't open up more than I do is that I am afraid of being rude to the other person, by dumping a whole lot of information (or emotion) on them." This makes me wonder about social contracts. It's definitely inconsiderate to dump things on people, but, presuming that sharing is rude creates barriers between people. Some people would love to listen, but we never find out because propriety kept us distant. So yeah, there's gotta be some sort of social contract for that.
It also seems to me that there are different types of honesty and openness. Stuff that's never wrong to share. And stuff that should always be kept to oneself. A bright line must exist. I'm just, not sure what it is.
I also think about seeing Jeremy Camp in concert, and how he told this deeply personal story about when his wife died -- actually, this applies to a lot of speakers I've seen, who share tragedy and failures and pain with a massive audience of strangers. And yet, that's not inappropriate, in fact, it's highly edifying, an encouragement in Christ. Hm. Perhaps it's the content of what we're saying that matters, as opposed to who we're saying it to.
"I would love to be more open about how I am feeling and who I am. I just don't know where/how to do that." Blog. You're not /requiring/ anyone to listen to what you say, but you have an open forum to say what you'd like to say behind the safety of words and a computer screen. It's genius. [But seriously.]
Sorry, thinking outloud has made this a cryptic, rambling comment. I despair of questions like these that have elusive cut-and-dry answers!
I agree. We definitely don't need to let people know us completely. Also, as you said, it's impossible. I think openness is valuable not because you can be fully known by people, but because it furthers accountability with yourself, (in the sense of telling the truth to yourself) and builds connections with people.
That's interesting, that you feel comfortable telling people things by telling them things. Though perhaps it's the *doing* things with people that helps you trust them... whether that's doing things together, or the act of conversing with them... hmmm. I think it's the being with them that builds trust.
Another thought about why it's not a good idea to tell people everything right when you meet them: a lot of the "knowledge" I have of people is very intangible, like how they react to things, what they are uncertain about, ... all the connotations and memories and experiences that have built up my mental construct of the person. And so to attempt to tell a near-stranger "everything" about you would lead to not really telling them, because the verbal description wouldn't convey who you really are. I think that's also related to the point about sacredness. Things that are dear, experiences that went from life to heart to memory, would be spoiled by needing words and logical explanation.
Also, I would have you know that I think your outtake is wonderful. :D
About the last thing you said, Wednesday: YES! You are absolutely right! (See, I spent very little time thinking about this question. He who hesitates thinks of more interesting things to say ;)) Yes, the essence of a person is perhaps impossible to fully grasp, but grasping at it can only come with actually spending time with the person.
I sometimes wish that I could tell people everything, but I can't . . . and sometimes that's just frustrating.
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